You and I

Part I: George

It’s a very strange concept to me, life without Fred. Is it inevitable?

Mum forced me to sit down and discuss with her what I wanted for my future.

Being the uncreative idiot that lately takes over my mind I asked, "Did you ask Fred yet?"

She really didn’t seem to like that, and it took me to thinking.

Do people expect us to have our own lives when my whole life so far has been combined with his?

I’ll never understand them.

They couldn’t see that they were part of what created GredandForge.

Until Mum had that stupid talk with me today, I’d never given a thought to it.

I’ve been lulled into this false security that is Fred.

Ah, Fred, now that’s a topic I could go on about for years and not grow tired of it.

No one ever asks about US, they take us as a two for one deal and leave it at that.

Should there be more to it? Of course there should, right?

Right?

Why then do I sometimes find myself going over what would be different if Fred wasn’t there?

Why do I stay up late at night thinking about what I might have been?

For one thing I wouldn’t be playing quidditch. He was the one who convinced me to go to the tryouts with him, who talked through all my nerves.

Fred always makes me feel like nothing could ever go wrong while he’s there.

See what I mean about false security.

Would anyone care who I was if Fred weren’t there, going through with all the pranks the two of us thought up together?

He’s the exciting one, the daring leader who everyone falls in love with just from his smile.

Sure, I do come up with a lot of the pranks, but I’d never have the nerve to do them without an accomplice.

My accomplice. My best friend.

Fred never has trouble sleeping, he thinks the world is still all right.

I fear the day he wakes up to find that everything is NOT alright, that that world is a hell of a lot colder than he had figured, and that not everything can be solved with a smile.

The world is not me, and I’m horrified of what will happen when he sees this.

It can’t be that way; it can’t be only he and me.

Oh how I wish it could be, I wish it in a way that if Fred ever found out he would hate me.

The world would hate me.

For I don’t just love Fred, but I’ve fallen in love with him.

Blame it on society if you wish, but I won’t make excuses or blame anyone but myself.

Sure it’s become a hell of a lot easier falling in love with him when he’s the only person who truly realises what I am, and loves me anyway.

Obviously we are very different; Fred doesn’t keep a secret from me.

HE doesn’t have to keep a diary hidden in his pillow full of illegal, morally wrong feelings for his goddamn brother.

No, Fred is perfection in its most beautiful form.

People think we are identical, but if they ever took us as two people instead of one in two bodies they’d see how wrong that is.

I’m not Fred, I’m not like him, and we don’t want to be one person. We never have.

When we were little we hated the fact that we were "the twins." When mum or Da would introduce us as that, we’d be devils, basically pains in the arse just to get back at them for what they’d done.

Still today, at age 17 almost 18 people still call us that.

Even my own family doesn’t always see that we are two separate entities. It’s enough to make a man like me break down.

Fred would never break down; he’s too strong.

Everything we’ve gone through, he’s been my pillar, my shoulder to lean on when I felt the world slip from under my feet.

He hides things so well, never able to take down that brave face for even his own brothers.

But for me, I don’t have to see it, I already know it’s there.

And it scares me, because even the strongest wall can crumble with enough blows to it.

I’ll never forgive whoever causes that wall to crumble.

The world and every girl practically in school love Fred.

Sometimes I get in on that simply by being his twin, by being at his side people get confused and think they love me too.

They have no idea who I am, they assume I am a quieter Fred.

In a sense they got something right, I am a shadow man. But I am no Fred Weasley.

While he is all the wonderful things a person can be, I am the darkness, the cold steel in a field of beauty.

No one truly knows Fred or me. Only we know each other the way a person is normally known.

Pretty pathetic really, isn’t it. Can anyone who is not a twin honestly say they know a twin the way they know a single person?

Fred and I built a wall against the world that had combined us; never vocalizing to the other that that was what we were doing. We just knew that the rest of the world didn’t understand what we had, they couldn’t understand. We would leave them out as they had left us out.

Lee was the first person to break that wall Fred and I created, he’s still the only person who truly did.

When I met him I didn’t mind him, he was happy and reminded me immediately of Fred. Those two hit it off great, and if I had been a jealous sort I would have stopped it right there.

Lee knows we are two very separate people, he saw the ugliness of me that Fred has yet to see.

He still accepted me, and I’ll always love him for that.

He knows us better than anyone else. He knows Fred, and he knows me too.

Not combined, but the individual.

What a strange concept that must be to the outside world.

People sometimes mention things that really upset me, saying that Fred and I were supposed to be one person.

Does that mean we don’t have our own souls?

Isn’t that like saying we aren’t really beings?

They smile as if they’ve done nothing wrong, and I grit my teeth because I can’t make Fred look bad.

Ignorant people like that wouldn’t realise that just because George Weasley snapped doesn’t mean Fred did too.

I never want to be the one who Fred’s anger is aimed towards.

I’ve seen him angry, and it is so focused and determined that it proves to the world that Fred Weasley is a force to be reckoned with.

If I told him that I loved him, it not only would destroy the relationship we have, but it would perhaps be proving those damn people who think of us as one that they were correct.

I love my twin, but I will never tell him for despite the fact I will never truly love another, I must never let that world think they were right, for they are not and never will be.

But all the same, I love Fred Weasley, and he does not love me. He never will in the way I need him too.

And that alone is enough to keep anyone up all night.

Part II: Fred

George has been acting very strange lately.

I don't blame him really, I've kept a rather big secret from him, and I think he knows I have.

Why else would he sit there in silence when we are alone?

Why else would he give me those strange looks when he thinks I can't see them?

George would never keep a secret from me.

Mum's always been a little frustrated with us, I think she was from the day she gave birth to us, but lately she can barely stand to be in the same room as us.

I know she and George had a row, I heard the end of it when I accidentally walked in. I thought I'd heard George say my name, but I'm sure it was nothing bad.

I could never think badly of George no matter what. He's my twin after all. My partner in crime, so to speak.

He and Lee are the world to me, in that order too. Nothing could get between us, except for my feelings for George.

Why did this happen to me? I'm not some sick person who likes to hurt people intentionally.

The last thing I want to do is hurt George or ruin what we have between us.

I just wish he and I could be more. But he would never feel about me how I do him.

It's very wrong, and it scares me to think that I could feel this way about my own twin.

I tried to get over my feelings for him last year, beat it out if you will, by searching out others.

It's not hard, all I had to do was ask the first girl I saw to the ball, and she fell all over me. Sure it was fun, having someone follow me around, but every time she looked into my eyes I'd wish they were light blue. My eye color.

Every time her arms were around me I was wishing they were George's.

I think having a girlfriend hurt even more than being alone, because than I was really seeing what I couldn't have, what I wanted to have.

I catch him writing in a journal sometimes when he thinks I'm asleep.

That boy is so clueless, no one sleeps that still all the time.

The unthinkable has started to occur, he and I are not the perfect best friends we used to be, and I fear it is my entire fault.

Me and my stupid feelings for him.

Someone as perfect as George would not and could not fall in love with me.

So until I figure out how to get rid of these feelings I'll just have to live with watching him write when he thinks I'm asleep.